The Rooms · 09 of 12
The Funeral
A room where nothing you do will be remembered, except your absence.
What they’re reading
Nothing. That's the point. The correct outcome here is that nobody notices you at all.
What to wear
A dark suit. Navy, charcoal, or black. White shirt. A dark tie with no pattern, or no tie if the family has said casual and meant it. Black leather shoes. No jewelry beyond a watch and a wedding ring. Nothing that shines, nothing that makes noise, nothing anybody could describe afterward.
What to bring
Nothing. A clean handkerchief, and understand that it isn't for you.
When to arrive
Fifteen minutes early. Sit toward the back unless you're family or you've been asked to sit forward.
The first sixty seconds
Two sentences to the family. Then stop.
I'm so sorry. He was the only person who ever taught me how to do this job.
One specific true thing is worth more than any paragraph. Say it and let it land.
Do not say you know how they feel. Do not ask how they're doing, because they will have to perform an answer for the sixtieth time that day. Do not tell a long story about yourself.
How to act
Listen for
whether the person in front of you wants to talk or wants quiet. It changes hour to hour and person to person, and the same man who wanted company at eleven wants to be left alone at one. Follow. Never lead.
When you speak
when spoken to. Otherwise be present and quiet. In a receiving line, say your one sentence and move, so the person behind you can say theirs.
How you speak
low, slow, and short. No stories unless you're asked for one, and if you are, tell one, and make it about the person who died rather than about you.
Your body
present and unhurried. Do not look at your phone anywhere in that building. And do not be the man laughing in the parking lot afterward, even when the story is a good one. Especially then.
The thing you can't fake
showing up. Everything else on this page is detail. The people who came are remembered for years, and the people who didn't are remembered longer.
The mistake
Staying too long and talking too much. Twenty minutes at the reception is enough unless you were genuinely close. Go, be seen, say the one thing, and leave. Presence is the entire gift.
The guide
All twelve rooms,
with the drawings.
Fifty-eight pages. Free, and there is no email field.